Friday, January 19, 2018

The Origin Species

(the most amazing guitar sound ever. Like Brian May on LSD)

(eagles soaring on endless fingerings by a God on something made of thick mahogany with a P90 pickup being pumped through the thickest British amp made by Vox that could not actually exist)

Fourteen days and fifteen nights they'd spent. Mostly without sleep, but they were not delirious enough to think they were imagining the spectacle before them.

"I told you man. Just look at them. I spent days up here before I figured out what I needed to do." said Topher. 

(and you better remember to call him Topher because he was really boring when he was Chris so sometimes if you call him Chris he starts acting like a douchebag)


Jack could not completely not think of topher as a joke anymore despite not even being mentally able to capitalize his name for fear of hating himself.


The crazy bullshit he claimed was right here.

He was watching it.

Moreso, all the other things leading up to it...

"There is a hole in the side of the mountain. Watch!"

Jack watched as topher made a fist and made like he was going to punch a solid rock wall.

"Dude, stop."

But it was too late and suddenly...

Half of topher's arm has disappeared in the rock.

Then he pulled it back out.

"I feel like a dick. I should probably start capitalizing your name again." said Jack.

"What?" asked Topher.


"I gotta stop being cruel"

"Most seem to live for that" offered Topher.

"Yeah. You aren't wrong."

Then Suddenly....

AS THEY FOUGHT THEIR WAY... FORWARD (heavy sweeping power chords) 

Jack was having a hard time not noticing that not only did they now have a narrator, but everything he thought was being said from some loud ass voice in the sky. Seriously. Could you shut the fuck up. Christ this sucks.

"Are you doing that Jack?" asked Topher.

"That's really annoying. Stop it. Just like, if you can't imagine guitar solos, or some really great power ballad, just try not to think. Or think about something stupid like math."

Topher was right. He had to admit. He had tested this by just starting to hum a little bit of hot for teacher. BOOM, backup vocals. Out of nowhere.



Holy fuck. Right?

So Jack played along when he figured out it was the path to whatever the fuck Topher was babbling about.

Also, he noticed if he played ball, Topher's delusions got played on the big screen. And that was fine. Because Topher was chill.

And for the first time type Triple-A personality annoying ass Lawyer Jack saw the value in being chill. Because if this was him in charge, the Earth would have been a smoking crater.

He was glad it was Topher.

Because well, for one...

Jack got to enjoy the best two weeks of his entire life. When he figured out most of what was up, or more accurately, figured out how to deal with the ridiculous new reality presented, he just kept having fun. His own goonies adventure.

Because this nonsense sprang cleanly out of pothead, MIT dropout Topher's mind, it was all pop punk, half dressed demi-humans, and rock and roll.

Jack had a ball. Each level was really easy when he stopped fighting it. Topher agreed. They were both laughing so hard that when they finally got back to what Topher had originally seen when he first got to the pass, he froze solid.

"Just look at this. I have no words for this. But it's beautiful."

Jack had to agree.

The first thing you saw was the gate beyond. It was the most impressively beautiful gate anyone could imagine. And these two huge beasts of beings as tall as the buildings around them, were shouting at each other, clearly having a very passionate argument. But you could see the glands in their necks. Like massive bone/bow structures. They extended out from their necks. And for all the world, they appeared to exist simply to broadcast the emotions of these giants to each other in the form of amazing guitar solos. 

"That's why I'm going out there and playing Kayla's Song."

Many years later in one of the last remaining underground bunkers, Jack would recall:

"At that point it all clicked.

It must have because tears were streaming from my eyes.

How Topher was going to save us all.

He was going to play Kayla (his dead daughter)'s Song.

For these Giants. And he was going to stop their war.

And the assumption was that this was what was causing the global disasters.

That he somehow stumbled upon this realm affecting ours...

Maybe it was the ghost of young Kayla saving all humanity.

All I know is this.

The bravest man I've ever met in my life took his little honda generator and his little guitar pedal board, and his SG Jr with Lindy Fralin P90, and was busting out the best rendition of Kayla's Song I've ever heard. And it was incredible and amazingly soulful coming out of the Vox AC15 he brought.

I cried."

You could feel the entire Universe change around Topher as he sang and it was perfect and it was real and it was now and it was forever and it was motherfucking perfect.

Until that foot came down.

And tore him in half and made that half a 100 yard long smear.

Then the foot came back.

Then weird little sucker things came out of the base of the foot.

And started sucking up the smashed guts of Topher.

This is when Jack threw up.

And backed up.

Way down the tunnel leading up to that courtyard.


Jack turned around.

The two giants immediately morphed into 300 foot tall Black Francis and Kim Deal.

"Six foot girl goona sweat when she digs Jack"

Jack ran as fast as he could.