Friday, January 19, 2018

The Origin Species



"BEHOOVE AGAIN!"
(the most amazing guitar sound ever. Like Brian May on LSD)

"I WILL NOT ALLOW THEE!!!"
(eagles soaring on endless fingerings by a God on something made of thick mahogany with a P90 pickup being pumped through the thickest British amp made by Vox that could not actually exist)


Fourteen days and fifteen nights they'd spent. Mostly without sleep, but they were not delirious enough to think they were imagining the spectacle before them.

"I told you man. Just look at them. I spent days up here before I figured out what I needed to do." said Topher. 

(and you better remember to call him Topher because he was really boring when he was Chris so sometimes if you call him Chris he starts acting like a douchebag)

But...

Jack could not completely not think of topher as a joke anymore despite not even being mentally able to capitalize his name for fear of hating himself.

HOWEVER...

The crazy bullshit he claimed was right here.

He was watching it.

Moreso, all the other things leading up to it...




"There is a hole in the side of the mountain. Watch!"

Jack watched as topher made a fist and made like he was going to punch a solid rock wall.

"Dude, stop."

But it was too late and suddenly...

Half of topher's arm has disappeared in the rock.

Then he pulled it back out.

"I feel like a dick. I should probably start capitalizing your name again." said Jack.

"What?" asked Topher.

"Nevermind"


"I gotta stop being cruel"

"Most seem to live for that" offered Topher.

"Yeah. You aren't wrong."

Then Suddenly....

AS THEY FOUGHT THEIR WAY... FORWARD (heavy sweeping power chords) 

Jack was having a hard time not noticing that not only did they now have a narrator, but everything he thought was being said from some loud ass voice in the sky. Seriously. Could you shut the fuck up. Christ this sucks.

"Are you doing that Jack?" asked Topher.

"That's really annoying. Stop it. Just like, if you can't imagine guitar solos, or some really great power ballad, just try not to think. Or think about something stupid like math."

Topher was right. He had to admit. He had tested this by just starting to hum a little bit of hot for teacher. BOOM, backup vocals. Out of nowhere.

"I HEARD ABOUT YOUR LESSONS BUT LESSONS ARE SO DUH-HUUUUUUUUULLL

I KNOW ABOUT THIS SCHUUUUUUUUUUL"

Holy fuck. Right?

So Jack played along when he figured out it was the path to whatever the fuck Topher was babbling about.

Also, he noticed if he played ball, Topher's delusions got played on the big screen. And that was fine. Because Topher was chill.

And for the first time type Triple-A personality annoying ass Lawyer Jack saw the value in being chill. Because if this was him in charge, the Earth would have been a smoking crater.

He was glad it was Topher.

Because well, for one...

Jack got to enjoy the best two weeks of his entire life. When he figured out most of what was up, or more accurately, figured out how to deal with the ridiculous new reality presented, he just kept having fun. His own goonies adventure.

Because this nonsense sprang cleanly out of pothead, MIT dropout Topher's mind, it was all pop punk, half dressed demi-humans, and rock and roll.

Jack had a ball. Each level was really easy when he stopped fighting it. Topher agreed. They were both laughing so hard that when they finally got back to what Topher had originally seen when he first got to the pass, he froze solid.

"Just look at this. I have no words for this. But it's beautiful."

Jack had to agree.




The first thing you saw was the gate beyond. It was the most impressively beautiful gate anyone could imagine. And these two huge beasts of beings as tall as the buildings around them, were shouting at each other, clearly having a very passionate argument. But you could see the glands in their necks. Like massive bone/bow structures. They extended out from their necks. And for all the world, they appeared to exist simply to broadcast the emotions of these giants to each other in the form of amazing guitar solos. 


"That's why I'm going out there and playing Kayla's Song."

At that point it all clicked.

It must have because tears were streaming from my eyes.

How Topher was going to save us all.

He was going to play Kayla (his dead daughter)'s Song.

For these Giants. And he was going to stop their war.

And the assumption was that this was what was causing the global disasters.

That he somehow stumbled upon this realm affecting ours...

Maybe it was the ghost of young Kayla saving all humanity.

All I know is this.

The bravest man I've ever met in my life took his little honda generator and his little guitar pedal board, and his SG Jr with Lindy Fralin P90, and was busting out the best rendition of Kayla's Song I've ever heard. And it was incredible and amazingly soulful coming out of the Vox AC15 he brought.

I cried.


You could feel the entire Universe change around Topher as he sang and it was perfect and it was real and it was now and it was forever and it was motherfucking perfect.

Until that foot came down.

And tore him in half and made that half a 100 yard long smear.

Then the foot came back.

Then weird little sucker things came out of the base of the foot.

And started sucking up the smashed guts of Topher.


This is when Jack threw up.

And backed up.

Way down the tunnel leading up to that courtyard.


"WAYEEEEYAYEEEEEYAYEEEEEEEEEYAYEEEEEEYATE!!!!"

Jack turned around.


The two giants immediately morphed into 300 foot tall Black Francis and Kim Deal.


"Six foot girl goona sweat when she digs Jack"



Jack ran as fast as he could.



~fin~






Friday, December 22, 2017

Xiaomi Ninebot Mini: EVERYBODY should get one. Not kidding.




You have one amazing choice to make for the BEST VANITY PRODUCT I HAVE EVER OWNED. Not kidding.

Prior to this award, the finest vanity product I had ever owned was.. hands down, the original Chromebook Pixel. 





OMFG that thing was so over-engineered. It was not even funny. NO exposed screwheads. NO SEAMS. PIANO HINGE. I mean, a mental level of attention to detail. Laser cut keys filled the entire way through with the lettering so they'd never wear off. THE FINEST TYPING EXPERIENCE on any laptop to date until the Pixel 2 Chromebook where it got slightly improved. You can still find these occasionally cheap. The only downside is the Ivy Bridge processor. Otherwise, everything else about the thing beats the shit out of anything else sold NOW most of the time. It's fast as SIN still. Because ChromeOS gets faster over time. You only lose battery life. Think of Ivy Bridge as Haswell with 1 percent more power, and 46 percent less battery life. 
I Digress

Either way,  

You can find the Xiaomi Ninebot Mini (Original) for 299 if you look hard enough. Afterwards, you can get the Xiaomi ORIGINAL AMAZINGLY PERFECT :


And have what right now is my favorite self balancing scooter on EARTH.

And it's cheap as sin.

Now.

So, 299 for the Xiaomi Ninebot Mini (search that way. You will find morons trying to "clear old stock". Even on Amazon. Even on Ebay. Be patient).


I can't explain it. They must have focus grouped THE FUCK out of the best handlebar. Look for the Original.



It doesn't matter how you let your hands fall on it.

It doesn't matter, how you grip it.

You ALWAYS feel in control, and it always feels natural and amazing.

Whoever designed this handlebar was a genius.

So, despite it BEING 40 bucks cheaper than the next best handlebar, it's the best.

The Original.




This product configuration served me through rain, snow, mud, ice. Never let me down.

It would carry me from 24th street to 11th street quickly and easily at FIVE PM weaving through people on the sidewalk like it was nothing.

FOR THIS PRICE, no other product on EARTH outside of... BITCOIN offers more value per dollar.

I love the Xiaomi Ninebot Mini in BLACK with the BLACK Xiaomi Handlebars.

Adore it.

HOWEVER....

I sold mine. I'm going to try to grow up and use a Ninebot Elite PTR E+


And I picked this product SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE it's a Ninebot Product.


You should too.





They simply look better. I have no idea who does styling for Segway but it's horrible.

LOOK AT THAT.

That's better looking than anything Segway ever made.

I'm sorry. I'm being an honest consumer.

And I'll be dead honest.

Because of the strength of the REVIEWS for this product, and my OWN experience with their AMAZING Xiaomi Ninebot Mini, I bought this.

They have an AMAZING sale going on. It's worth Every penny. What an amazing deal.

Right now, the Ninebot Elite PTR E+ is simply the best commuter city vehicle on Earth. You can ride it right off the sidewalk and right into ANY building. Because it's only 23" wide. It's a joke inside a building. You can ride it right to your work desk.

THAT is the power of this amazing device. Ride it 20 miles at 12mph, then ride it right to your desk.

This is the best at that on Earth.

However....

I'd be a shitty reviewer if I wasn't being honest...

You can have 90 percent of that for about 400 bucks with an original Xiaomi Ninebot Mini for 299 bucks (if you look) and the Xiaomi Handlebar (original). The combination might be the finest inexpensive city transport solution in history. It's just so overwhelmingly good.

You'll see.

Oh, and if you can not find the "Xiaomi Ninebot Mini" for 299, look for the "Segway Minilite" for 299. It's the same thing.

: )

You will find one or the other. And they are AMAZING in a city. Jesus. I took 14 block treks I'd NEVER have taken otherwise. Other than it being me screaming down the sidewalk at 10mph safely, and arriving 6 times faster than if I'd walked. 

If you live in a city? Buy this product. You will love me for it. I HIGHLY recommend getting the Xiaomi Handlebar because it might be one of the best engineered products I've experienced in my entire life. It's that brilliant.

However...

If you have 2 grand... And, if you have 2 grand in BITCOIN, you can use eGifter to buy 2 grand in eBay gift cards like I did when I sold all my Bitcoin Cash, and bought my Christmas Present to myself. 

My new Ninebot Elite PTR E+ in BLACK





:  )

LOVE YOU


Night Night

S

Sunday, October 29, 2017

A Dent On Class Nine


(note: goes great with this)

"FUUUUUUCKKKK!!!"

Yelled Ramian. In the depths of his fin-dive into lower dimensions.

The idea with his design, and I mean, you'd kinda have to understand how higher dimensional beings feel:

With there being absolutely no possibility for born intelligence in the higher dimensions, there was no possible way for any being to know if they were accidentally destroying their birth origin through some action. So the layers philosophy was pretty much Universal. At the 14th dimension, you could pretty safely fuck with the next lower 6 dimensions and not fuck up the origin story of anyone sentient there. I mean, it was all increasingly less efficient projectors moving upwards. The trick was moving down. Where time meant so much more.

But with a decrease in level meant a decrease in visibility into one's reality. And that might be marginally acceptable for someone going as low as the 11th level, but below that the geometric loss in information density meant a required altering of personality for a higher being that simply wasn't doable for most of them. Asking a cat to stop being a cat would be moreso.

So, Ramian and his ilk, of the short-lived 9th dimensional ditch racers had no idea they were destroying their birth, and the birth of many others in higher dimensions with their racing. But a dron prior, they found out.

They had been camped near an energy pool when the sky opened up.

"Hey, you see me?"

(note: good song for here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjbiMXfe2NU )

"You are very close to being dealt with on a higher level. We keep fixing your damage. But we are sick of doing it. Modify your dimension harvesting boards or we will end you."

Then the sky closed.

Then they all understood why Milif had simply vanished. They were destroying their history with their board designs.

And that day forward, they all agreed to keep design to 2 level spec. Yes, this dramatically lowered speed, but they stopped killing each other, and entire origin races on lower dimensions immediately.

But.. Ramian really needed to win this really important race and knew a loophole...if you made your fin dive SEVEN dimensions, it recorded as two. Because the detector did the math wrong. And that's how Ramiam almost destroyed the absolute origin of everything.

Moving at a speed impossible to describe in our dimension, Ramian blasted through a diffuse cloud then just stopped. Something he had never experienced before. Being stopped. Then he felt then saw the huge clawed hand come up from out of nowhere and surround his neck.

"You don't have to exist."

"WHO DO YOU THINK" was what Ramian managed before his throat started getting crushed.

"See, the mistake you made here is assuming a lower dimensional being is always going to be weaker than you. We have important things we are doing down here. You need to stop destroying things. We will end you."

"Understood" said Ramian as he forcefully snapped the tail off his board.